Horrible Perfectionista
That’s me! I had to share this with you quickly, before I thought about it too much.
Because it’s embarrassing
Because it reveals that side of me I want hidden
But most of all…..it’s hilarious and everyone can relate.
Today I put the almost final touches on 10 canvases I will have curated for an up-coming group exhibition. These 9 I wanted to be sprayed with a workable fixative because you never know when you want to put more final final final touches on them…..am I right?
So I took the lot downstairs where we park all the bikes. It’s open but sheltered from weather. Lined the beauties up, got a cramp from spraying them all in one go, and most definitely put another hole in the ozone layer.
Quite happy and for once satisfied with my achievements when for some reason looked at the can.
Oooops, not workable fixative at all. I’d sprayed the lot with Permanent Matt Spray.
That’s it. No more fiddling. No more blending.
But after I had a monstrous laugh at myself, I realised that it was probably the best thing that could’ve ever happened. I let go of my FEAR.
FEAR stops me from going forward with my Art. The “What if I get really successful with this?” question, haunts me. But I reckon my “why” is different from yours.
Why don’t I want to be really successful at this? GUILT. If I make a real go of this, it would mean I wouldn’t be giving EVERYTHING I have on Rainer’s treatment. And while that is certainly true, I really haven’t seen him decline in any way while I’ve been working on these 10 canvases.
So where’s the FEAR? Clearly in my sleep-deprived, guilt-ridden, gargoyle-infested Imagination, because it’s now apparent that FEAR isn’t real.
Shocking, I know. But it took a moment of absent-mindedness (and before you think it, there’s no time to delve into my sub-conscious today) to put the end to a project and ultimately, my FEAR of succeeding, of trying, of putting myself out there for criticism.
I may not get the group exhibition gig, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I have so many things lined up for the rest of the year, that this is just one project ticked off the Creative To Do List.
So my advice for you today is to FINISH SOMETHING that you’ve been holding back. Put the To Do list on notice — things will be crossed off.
Be brave today. xx Giovanna
Giovanna Scott artist 
well said Gigi.. the only thing holding us back is ourselves.. Let go and we can more forward 🙂
Forward march Cheryl! Thanks for stopping by xx
Awesome post Gigi! I have the fear of success thing too that holds me back quite a bit. My issue isn’t guilt though, it’s that someone will come and tap me on the shoulder and say “you’re not a real artist so stop pretending you are”. How ridiculous!! And if you’re doing something to make you happy you’ll be a better mum to deal with all the stuff you need to deal with anyway (which I’m sure you already know)
Haha too true Rondelle. I get that tap on the shoulder too which I used to listen to. Thankfully it now gets drowned out by more positive and enjoyable stuff. I think you’re a fabulous artist xx
I’m so glad I dropped by your space Gigi. It’s been a long time mainly because I haven’t scrapbooked since forever. An interesting read for sure. I used to read that blog ‘I am enough’ and for years I didn’t buy it. I wasn’t enough! I wasn’t the best mother wife friend carer daughter sister aunt blah blah blah. I wasn’t the best me! In terms of my role as carer/mama it will never be enough because I can’t take away my child’s challenges, her heartache. I can’t. But over time I have come to know that while I will never be enough that I can be ‘good enough’. And I’m ok with that most if the time. Take care beautiful mama, beautiful artist! Have no fear! XO Lea