I feel as though my worlds are on a collision course at the moment. You know you have different worlds, you compartmentalise your life into digestible chunks in order to survive (yes, Life is Survivor, and I am desperate somedays to be voted off the island!).
The last few years have been particularly harrowing. The disappointment of Rainer’s schooling, the stress and worry of moving him to a Special School (note: he couldn’t get into Special School with only an Austism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis. We needed more. Go figure.), the joy of finding a new, larger, cleaner home, the gut-wrenching car accident last April which then manifest itself into my current health woes, then in April making small changes which had me finally pain-free, only to trip on a football boot on the stairs and have my injuries flare again (we shall henceforth never speak of said football boot again).
You would think I did something quite nasty in a previous life or perhaps collected enough negative energy in my 20s to cause this on-going merde. When my life starts reading like a daytime soapie, it’s a sign that I need to re-assess and take control – once again.
And the signs have been there for months: a friend’s kind word or deed, my Massage Therapist (who is sadly moving to Adelaide – lucky Adelaidians), my Physio, my family (who I am convinced think I do these things on purpose).
Then this course came up by Christy Tomlinson:
Truly a cosmic intervention! I signed up early enough to participate in some secret squirrel prompts on a FaceBook group and by Week 4 (now) I am being forced to confront and articulate a lot of issues that are holding me back emotionally and artistically. While I’m not sharing a lot on the group, I have reams of writing and a few videos in my arsenal, ready to kick down years of self-doubt and guilt.
My one biggest hurdle is overcoming the guilt over Rainer’s Autism and here is why. No-one in the medical community can help me understand the WHY of Autism. Not one of them is brave enough to take a risk, open debate and follow a path of enquiry to lead me to an answer. Truth is, there is not ONE answer to this massively complex disorder. There is no agreement because there are so many vested interests surrounding all the catalysts (vaccine, diet, toxins, food additives, etc). So I lock into thinking it must have been something I did from conception to diagnosis. Now before you hit the REPLY button and start showering me with “It’s not your fault!”, let me continue.
UNLESS I OWN RAINER’S CONDITION, I CAN’T HELP HIM
UNLESS I PROXY HIS MEDICAL, EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL AND INTELLECTUAL CHALLENGES — HE CAN’T MOVE FORWARD
Unfortunately, owning it has resulted in losing myself. I thought I could as easily compartmentalise the Autism in the same way I’ve compartmentalised everything else in my life – detatching each from the other. Not so easy in practice. So I have been swallowed up in the questioning – lots of questioning, the frustration, the anger, the depression, the guilt……oh, the guilt, the self-pity — but seemingly keeping it together in every one else’s eyes? Life of the Party!!!! Why is this so?
Because I learnt very quickly that if I am truly truly honest about my feelings and how debilitating this life-long, potentially degenerative condition is – nothing changes!
NOTHING CHANGES unless I am the first to make that change.
So I am working on shifting blame and guilt and doubt and replacing it with PERMISSION. Permission to enjoy life, to have a happy life, to be happy in the moment (once again), to embrace that my life will always be difficult but acknowledge the joy that resides in all that difficulty.
It won’t be easy. Each moment I spend enjoying myself doing the things I love to do, I await the spectre of doom around the corner. That’s my vicious cycle. Once my cup of joy is filled, an incident drains it and then I am not only back to zero, but in the negative and running on adrenalin and sadness. So I need to stop the record needle getting stuck in the same part of a sad song of which the groove is so deeply etched, I can’t hear music anymore. Time to change the record, change the song, change the music that fills my head each and every day.
I want to be that person again, the one who was so much fun to be around, who people wanted to be with – not the person who they now cautiously approach (just in case she goes on and on about “it”).
The changes may not be mind-blowingly instant, but I am already noticing changes and that’s positive (for me and YOU).
Recalling my “word” for this year — RISE.
Rising above guilt, shame, blame, hate, anger, depression, self-doubt, self-loathing and fear — Embracing love, permission, joy, acceptance, healing and the now!