Sometimes I use my Art to escape and while that can be a good thing most of the time and if you have a relatively normal life – there is absolutely no problem with that at all!
However, I do NOT have a normal life.
When the pressure builds I can generally cope, but since my car accident last April I find myself more and more unable to shoulder all my responsibilities. Coupled with my chronic Perfectionism and you have a wonderful, heady cocktail of anxiety and moodiness! I turn into Mrs Cranky-Pants and neglect all the things I should be more pedantic about.
Finally this month, I decided to take some time out – visit my Naturopath and my GP and order a barrage of testing. My weight is now how it was when I was 9mths pregnant – and that’s not good when you are neither pregnant, nor under 160cm. I was losing all strength and energy and feeling very manic. I know I need to be 7kg lighter but it’s not my diet that’s the issue, so off to have scans and x-rays and blood tests to rule out every possible nasty. That’s my mission next week!
I also made a few huuuge life-saving decisions. Firstly I plucked up the courage to take my 8year old son (who is severely autistic) to have a big blood test. We needed him to be sedated because he is too strong for me now to hold down, he is not a compliant munchkin and can’t be bribed, so sedate him we did. His biochemistry is different to you or I, so I was so fearful that things would go oh-so badly, he would react terribly to the medication and then it would un-do all the sacrifices and hard work I’ve put into his recovery the last 6 years! So you can imagine my hesitation. I did NOT want to go back there, to that dark, isolating world when you first get the diagnosis and your trapped child is tearing your house and your family apart.
But we did the test Monday at the Children’s Hospital Emergency Department, and I’m happy to say it all went well. Initial results show he is doing well – but we all know it’s my dedication to his recovery that deserves the credit here LOL.
I can’t tell you what a relief it is to have it done and have no side effects to worry about. We have a baseline to move forward and that can only be GOOD! My mood is better and I “feel” healthier. My abdomen is smaller today – I only look 6mths pregnant LOL.
So, back to what I love to do and keeps me sane – MY ART!
I have scribbled the last few weeks and loved it but felt frustrated that I couldn’t get studio time – “me” time. It would be nice if everyone worked in compartments. That I could put all my personal issues into a little box and then turn around and be a creative, professional, inspiring genius. I envy those who make time for it all. What I don’t like is comments about how those who drop out of view for a while are considered “has-beens” or “failures”.
Do you recall the days before social media? An artist could create in peace and not have to “be seen” constantly, for fear of the “out-of-sight-out-of-mind” curse, and you just turned up for their twice-yearly exhibitions. (Apologies for the number of inverted commas…..poor writing, I agree!) I feel like I want people to LIKE me too much and have lost sight of actually just doing it – the very thing they LIKEd me for in the first place!
And so I have…..
I’ve realised, as I always have, that being PRODUCTIVE is the magic tonic in my life.
I hope you find your magic tonic but not have to go through a whole year of pain to get there!